Self-Doubt: The Successful Woman’s Secret
An attractive and fit woman arrives at a dinner party. Upon entering a room full of strangers, she feels an immediate sense of relief when she spots the warm and familiar face of her friend, the hostess, who crosses the room to greet her. The single men in the room take notice of the woman’s arrival but she is oblivious to their attention. Although she made an effort to look nice tonight, she’s never perceived herself as attractive and doesn’t believe others see her that way. In fact, when people pay her compliments of any kind their words seem to slide right off of her, having absolutely no impact on how she feels about herself. Meanwhile a voice of self-doubt whispers disbelief inside her head: They’re so sweet. They probably say that to everyone.
The woman smiles and sighs as the hostess hands her a glass of wine. She feels both pleased to be here and uncomfortable, all at once. She hopes a couple of cocktails will help her take the edge off of her stress. Despite her social graces the secret that she carries with is a chronic sense of self-consciousness during social gatherings such as these. The critical voice in her head chatters away constantly at these parties. It admonishes her for not having more interesting things to contribute to the conversation and warns her not to say something that might offend someone else.
Come to think of it, that nagging voice of self-doubt pipes up in almost all of her relationships. It causes her to feel as though she has to work extra hard and say just the right things to come across as likeable. With the exception of a couple close confidants, her personal relationships feel laborious and uncertain at times. She’s had some success in advocating for what she needs with her current partner but she’s still afraid to speak the whole truth. Tolerating the sense of vulnerability that comes with being so forthright about her feelings feels impossible and causes her anxiety. There are uncomfortable moments in which she wishes she could magically escape her personal life by slipping back into her work.
Her career has always been a large piece of her self-identity. Being at work feels like being inside a comfort zone. She knows she’s adept at what she does so she moves about her workday exuding a higher level of confidence than she does in her personal life. Yes, there are times when she second guesses herself at work too, but these doubts seem to pass more quickly. She has always had her intelligence and work ethic to rely on. Even as a child, school was her thing, her place to show what she was capable of. And when things at home weren’t very nurturing or predictable, applying herself at school was a constant in her life. The logical realm of her work has always made more sense to her than the emotional complexities of friends and lovers.
So here she stands, well over 30 now and respected in many professional circles. For the most part, she likes her life. But what she wouldn’t dream of sharing with her colleagues or the people here at the dinner party is that she’s still incapable of feeling genuinely confident and genuinely likeable in her personal life. And she longs to quiet her mind of the constant chatter of self-doubt, even if only for one night. So for now she reaches for another glass of wine.