The Prevalence of Worry and Guilt in Motherhood
Written by Licensed Psychotherapist Angela Sasseville, MA, LPC, NCC
If you listen in on the conversations of a group of mothers of young children you’re likely to overhear a few universal comments: Someone will be asking the other women for advice and recommendations on a challenging issue that has arisen with her child. She’s searching for the best solution but is not yet sure how to handle the issue. Another mom will undoubtedly share a story about a trying experience that occurred in her home. She may perhaps make the ever-common mom joke, “I’m sure my child is going to be scarred for life now!” Another mother will leap out of the group suddenly and rush to her preschooler’s side, haulting his participation in an unsafe and unapproved activity in the next room.
There is often a sense of community, understanding and commonality in these gatherings. Yet undercurrents of stress, worry and maternal guilt are often present. These women are, after all, in the throes of raising small children and it is not a job for the faint of heart. Adding to the pressure they experience is the awareness of how vital their role is to their offspring and each mother’s admirable determination to provide their child with the best childhood possible within her means. Chances are they take their roles as mothers more seriously than any other title they will ever bear in their lifetime. So these women willingly place their own choices and behaviors under a microscope in order to determine where they need to make improvements in their own job performance. The responsibilities of their role are ever-evolving, and so are their parenting skills.
In the process of childrearing some women find they can be incredibly hard on themselves. A woman who has always been “a worrier” may find her anxiety has a heyday expanding its terrain as she can now endlessly fret over her young child. Other moms who are aware of their own negative childhood experiences may find themselves riddled with self-doubt as a parent. Knowing the role models that they had as a kid were significantly flawed, they are searching for a more sound set of parenting blueprints to guide them as they raise their own children.
Still other moms struggle under the weight of unresolved traumas that they experienced in years past. Unhealed traumas live in the body, mind and nervous system and can cause a mother to have negative thoughts about herself that are remarkably distorted. For example, she may feel guilty as she believes “I’m a bad mom for going to work,” when her child is actually quite happy in childcare and the family needs the mother’s income. Another mom may live in a hypervigilant state as she has the recurring thought, “My child is in danger,” when in fact they aren’t. Traumas of an abusive, neglectful or sexual nature are often triggered when a mother witnesses her child reach the age at which she herself was victimized. These unresolved wounds can cause motherhood to become a white-knuckled and guilt-laden experience until they are resolved therapeutically.
Confidence, peace of mind and fantastic mother-child interactions are obtainable for any mother. But they aren’t always delivered to us automatically upon the baby’s arrival. For some of us moms, they require that we consciously and relentlessly chase after them. Yet the reward of becoming a calm and blissful mother is well worth the effort.
Angela’s blogs highlight common and prevalent issues and are never written about anyone in particular.