Breaking Relationship Cycles that Lead to Nowhere
By Elaine Avrus, Psychotherapist in the Pay It Forward program
It felt like their relationship had been on one of its “good waves.” She couldn’t believe that one little thing caused them to feel so disconnected. Everything had been running smoothly in their relationship. They had been enjoying each other’s company and had even found time lately to cook a couple dinners together, take the dogs on a hike and enjoy a movie night.
Despite the fact that he had been feeling frustrated and overwhelmed at work recently, she was really trying to be supportive. She knows how hard he works and sometimes his job is more stressful than hers, but she doesn’t understand how one comment can completely change the tone of the conversation. One minute he’s talking about feeling overworked and then the next minute it felt like he just shut down. She was scrambling to “get back in” and not feel alone in the conversation. All she did was comment on how he “worked too much” and pointed out that they “had been on such a good wave lately.” “Don’t let work ruin it for us,” she pleaded.
Immediately after her comments, she felt like she was on the couch alone, even though he was sitting right next to her. The more she kept trying “to get through to him” and reconnect, the farther away he went. The argument went around and around, bringing up old issues. Just like that, the two of them entered into another argument that led nowhere. Once again, their relationship was stuck in “the bad wave.”
What they didn’t realize was that this pattern was not unique to just their relationship. This was the same stuff that used to get her so frustrated in her past relationships too. She would think to herself, “Why are men so distant even though I keep trying to get closer? Why do I still feel like I am alone when I am in a relationship?”
He is left thinking, “Why is it that no matter who I am with, I never seem to get the credit that I deserve?! Why do I always end up with someone who tells me what to do? I thought things were going well, but something about her tone of voice just set me off.” He is left feeling that no matter how much he gives, it is never enough for her.
They really want things to be different this time. They want their relationship to last. They want to spend more time in the “good wave” and not feel like they are just passing time until the “bad wave” comes around again…but how do they do that? It feels like they have already tried so many things that have failed.
These types of arguments and thought patterns constantly leave couples feeling distant from each other. What they don’t realize is that underneath it all is an emotional need that is not being met. No matter how much they love each other and try over and over to break this pattern, somehow they keep coming back to the same cycle that often leaves one partner feeling unloved and the other partner feeling like a failure.
Therapy can be a place to discover the emotional needs and longings that are hiding under the surface of arguments. A therapist can slow down the process and help partners not only recognize the triggers that can cause an argument “out of nowhere.” It can also help couples feel close to one another and successful in their relationship. Reconnect with your partner on a different level and allow therapy to help you break that cycle that leads to nowhere.
Elaine’s blogs highlight common and prevalent issues and are never about anyone in particular. Click on the Pay it Forward program for more information on the therapeutic support that she provides.