Men and Money Problems
It’s hard to express in words how downtrodden many husbands and fathers feel when their family endures financial setbacks. As Father’s Day roles around in this down economy, the man in your household may be successfully enduring more than you give him credit for. So here are a few insights to acknowledge and commend men on the challenges they face when times are tight. Men often struggle to navigate their way through the terrain of financial stress and gender roles make the path even more challenging for them. Many men find their problems so overwhelming that they try to avoid the issue of money altogether. And where there is financial stress, there is often marital stress compounding the situation.
Men often do not know how to express themselves well verbally or to display a broad range of emotions. Gender roles of what it means to “act like a man” do men a tremendous disservice during troubled times. Men are told they should be “strong”, which implies that they shouldn’t show vulnerability, weakness, or softer feelings. These societal messages create a dilemma when a man is experiencing intense emotions. Being angry, frustrated or irritable are often the only socially acceptable ways for men to behave.
Subsequently, wives frequently underestimate the level of discouragement their husbands experience when money is tight. Some men feel as though they’re carrying the weight of the entire world on their shoulders. Others feel like a complete failure. Still other men feel as though no matter how hard they work, it’s just never enough.
Society also says men are supposed to be successful providers above and beyond anything else they accomplish in their lives. When forces beyond their control (like recession and unemployment) bring about financial crises, it’s common for a father to take the situation personally and feel as though he is the failure. During these moments of discouragement men fail to recognize their successes, such as the incredible ways they enrich the lives of their children, their contributions to their community and the meaningful relationships in their lives.
A lot of men go through their financial stress feeling alone. They don’t feel it’s acceptable to talk about their personal problems with their friends in the intimate ways that women discuss issues with one another. This lack of frank and open dialogue can leave a man without the support he could use and unaware that many of his friends have gone through something similar.
Because a man’s self-identity as a good provider is called into question and circumstances seem overwhelming, men often try to avoid the financial issues at hand. Their attempts to avoid, escape or ignore what they feel incapable of fixing is a well documented point of contention in their marriages since their wives are often desperate for their involvement and participation in finding solutions.
Angela Sasseville’s self-help book for couples and parents, Families Under Financial Stress, is due to be published later this year. Her articles are based on common and prevalent dynamics and are never about any one in particular.