The Unique Needs of Family Members
Written by psychotherapists Elaine Avrus and Angela Sasseville, LPC, NCC
It feels like every time there is a change in the lives of the Jones family, things get a little rocky. It’s as if some of the family members are pulling away from each other, while others are trying so hard to bring the family closer together. The parents begin to ponder, “What is it about transitions and changes that disrupt the groove of our family so intensely? We work so hard to keep things flowing, yet here we are again stuck in the same kind of pattern.”
They begin to think back to the first time the groove was disrupted and recalled how their youngest son had trouble sleeping at night. They remembered feeling confused about how to handle this change. One parent was adamant about being more strict and laying down some consequences for not going to bed. This definitely caused some arguments, since the other parent insisted on just letting him sleep in their room, like he wanted, since it was easier than listening to him cry.
The differences in how each family member handled these transitions definitely didn’t stop there. They noticed that every time one of them had to leave for another business trip, one of the twins would get more withdrawn. The other started acting out. What was it about one of them leaving, even for a short period of time that caused such disruption in the family? What was it one of their kids would pull away while the other became needier? And why did these parenting challenges triggered such intense reactions in both parents, albeit in different ways? It sure would be nice to find a way to manage these events without so much drama.
The Jones family can sense that there is something underlying these struggles but can’t quite figure out what it is. It always seems to create arguments for the couple and creates stress in the parent-child relationships. Sometimes it feels like no one in the family is on the same page!
What the Jones family is missing is that they all have different ways of attaching with each other, and when that attachment is disrupted by life events or emotional stressors it can trigger a variety of reactions. Oftentimes, the members of any single household have different ways of being in relationship with one another, different attachment styles. This makes it remarkably challenging to meet everyone’s needs all at the same time. Therapy provides a secure environment to help you and your family decode each person’s core needs.
Flourish Counseling articles are based on common and prevalent dynamics and are never about any one in particular.