There’s something fundamentally and psychologically true about the old adage that “opposites attract.”  In fact, the most common negative pattern that couples get stuck in is when one partner plays the role of a pursuer, seeking emotional intimacy.  The other plays the role of a distancer, seeking autonomy and space.  When relationships at are their best, either partner can play either role on any given day.  So when partners become entrapped and consistently have to play the same roles, it’s often a sign of trouble in the relationship.

Round and round the couple goes, each partner becoming increasingly frustrated that their needs aren’t being understood or respected by the other (who happens to need something completely different).  This negative cycle tends to play out repeatedly. It’s present in arguments about who will cook dinner, in discussions of how the couple will spend their weekend, and in the struggle for both partners to be interested and willing to have sex.  Different topics, different days, same negative cycle.

The Pursuer-Distancer pattern arises for very valid reasons and often comes to the surface when there’s been a major change in the couple’s life, such as the birth of the first child or a significant financial setback.  It’s during these times of increased stress that each partner is trying to get their individual needs met under difficult circumstances.  The Pursuer has an undeniable and valid need to feel their partner is “letting them in.”  The Distancer has an undeniable and valid need to feel their partner approves of them and isn’t trying to control or smother them.

If this description fits your relationship, you may breathe a sigh of relief that your situation is probably more normal and more common than you have ever realized.   There are highly effective and proven ways in which couples break free of their Pursuer Distancer cycles for good when both partners are willing to get to know one another on a deeper level through couple’s therapy.  (And yes, couples therapy does cost money.  But the expense is minimal when you compare it to the emotional and financial expenses of separation and divorce.)

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy goes to the heart of these individual attachment needs and addresses them more successfully than any other form of couple’s therapy.  In fact, research studies have found that 70-75% of the couples who utilize this type of therapy not only survived their relationship crisis but stayed together and reported being happy in the relationship years later.  Thirty-percent of Flourish Counseling’s clients are couples who are working to create more stable and satisfying relationships.  The way in which their relationships transform over the course of therapy is awesome and heartwarming to witness!

This entry was posted on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 12:38 am and is filed under Wellness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.