The Symptoms of Codependency, Conclusion:

Not all codependents have all of the above symptoms.

The question is how did we get this way?  Prolonged exposure to oppression is the key here. After all, oppression damages our self-esteem.  As Earnie Larson states in his books and lectures: “What we live with we learn; what we learn we practice; what we practice becomes habit; our habits have consequences.”

All of these behaviors are “learned.” They can be unlearned.

Everything boils down to this: We have little self worth; our happiness is found outside of ourselves.  We, the codependent, must DO something to initiate healing. It won’t come from outside. It just doesn’t happen. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Codependent behaviors can be stopped. Therapists, books, support groups, and constant and careful self-monitoring will help. In the end, healing from codependency is ultimately up to the individual…The first and most important thing for a codependent to learn is that happiness is inside of us, not something outside.

As adapted from the Wellness Directory of Minnesota

The Symptoms of Codependency:

9)Lack of Trust: Codependents do not trust themselves, their feelings, their decisions, other people, or even God. And then, right out of the blue, they’ll trust someone who is totally untrustworthy.

From Bad to Worse

Progressively, if the individual does not get help, the symptoms above often get worse. The codependent becomes lethargic and depressed and eventually withdraws and isolate themselves… They feel utterly hopeless.

As adapted from the Wellness Directory of Minnesota

The Symptoms of Codependency:

8)Poor Boundaries: Codependents say they won’t tolerate something from anyone, and then engage themselves in exactly that. Then they gradually increase their tolerance levels till they can tolerate most anything others do to them. They allow others to hurt them, over and over and over again. They stay in bad relationships for all the wrong reasons: to fix the other; for the kids (like kids need to grow up in a loveless relationship); because things will get better; and worst of all: because they feel they deserve to live in hell.

As adapated from the Wellness Directory of Minnesota

The Symptoms of Codependency, Cont’d:

7)Dependency: Codependents do not feel happy or content with themselves. They look to others to supply them their happiness or their needs. They are threatened by the loss of anything or any person that provides them with their happiness. They do NOT love themselves. They did not feel loved by their parents.

They equate love with pain and believe others are never, ever there for them. They need people more than they want them; their lives revolve around someone else’s life; they tolerate abuse; feel trapped; leave one bad relationship and jump into another bad relationship. They wonder if they will ever find true love. And if they do find true love, they will leave that and find a loveless relationship because deep inside (often beneath consciousness) they feel unworthy of love.

As adapted from the Wellness Directory of Minnesota

The Symptoms of Codependency, Continued:

5)Controlling Behaviors: Codependents try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination. They are afraid to let people be who they are or let events happen naturally. They’ve lived in so many situations in which they had no control (abuse, alcoholism, etc) that they now try to control everything and get frustrated and angry when they cannot.

They end up feeling controlled by events. They feel controlled by others. They resist change as if change were a contagion.

6)Denial: Codependents ignore problems or pretend they do not exist. They pretend things are not as bad as they are; they tell themselves it will get better; they stay busy to avoid thinking about things; they get confused, sick, depressed and visit doctors for a prescription. Many are workaholics. They lie to themselves and others. They believe their lies.

As adapted from the Wellness Directory of Minnesota

3)Repression: Most codependents repress their own needs, their own desires. They are afraid to let themselves be who they are and often appear rigid and controlled. They are often full of guilt.

4)Compulsivity: Codependents worry: they worry that people are talking about them; they worry that people are not talking about them; they lose sleep over little things; they check up on others; they try to catch people in the act; they never find any answers, they focus on other’s problems.

They spend money compulsively; may eat or drink compulsively; and wonder why they have no energy and why they never get anything done.

Substance Use Codependent behavior is frequently found in households where substance use is a significant issue.

As adapted from the Wellness Directory of Minnesota

2)Low Self Worth: Codependent individuals tend to come from troubled, dysfunctional families… They blame themselves for their family’s shortcomings. They blame themselves for everything.

They pick on themselves constantly: not intelligent enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not athletic enough, not good enough… Don’t try to give a codependent a compliment; they reject all compliments and praise, even though they get depressed from lack of compliments and praise.

They feel “different” from the rest of the world. They reject themselves, but fear rejection. Everything is taken personally. They have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, abandonment, neglect, and/or alcoholism. They feel like victims, carry lots of guilt and shame.

As adapted from the Wellness Directory of Minnesota

1)Care taking: The codependent individual feels responsible for other people. They feels anxious and even guilty when another has a problem. They feels compelled to help that person solve their problem. They anticipate the other’s needs and feels angry when his help is not effective or rebuffed.

At the same time, the codependent feels slighted that others won’t help her/him out when they need help. However, this same individual who is constantly doing way too much for others, and not getting “any” help from anyone, will usually answer when asked what is wrong or what do you need, responds, “Oh, nothing.” The codependent minimizes his/her own worth.

The codependent is over committed, harried, pressured, feels safe when giving, but insecure when someone gives to him/her, goes out of her/his way to help others, and believes deep inside that other people are responsible for the way they are and will blame others for the “spot” they are in. Others make them feel the way they feel, they are victimized, angry, unappreciated, and used.

As adapted from the Wellness Directory of Minnesota

As adapted from the Wellness Directory of Minnesota

Codependency is a terrible term. It has endless connotations that have nothing to do with the disorder. Codependency itself is such a broad dysfunction that it is extremely hard to define in concise terms. However, one therapist and friend summed up the condition thus: “I only wanted to be loved.” Another simple definition that works is, “Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship with the self.”

Codependency refers to habitual behaviors that are ultimately self-destructive. Almost everyone (at times) has symptoms of codependency. No one escapes.

The following are a list of symptoms. Few have them all, some have a few, and many symptoms are contradictory, but that is the irony of Codependency.

To be continued

Continued

For her benefit and for the benefit of every adult that can identify with her, Flourish Counseling is honored to be adding substance use and addictions counseling to our services.  Experienced psychotherapist Scott Petersen, LCSW, CAC III has joined our team and brings with him a warm and easy to talk to manner.  He’s been a therapist for over eleven years and supports individuals and couples on a broad range of issues.  Scott holds a Certified Addictions Counselor - Level Three credential, which is the highest level of training and education on substance use.  He understands why others use substances far too well to judge anyone for it.

We welcome individuals, loved ones, and couples who are wrestling with substance use and addiction issues to contact us to learn more.