Written by Angela Sasseville, MA, LPC, NCC

Holly wasn’t sure how many times a day her muscles seized up with tension; she just knew it happened a lot.  There are some major ongoing issues in her life and she can feel the impact of her high stress level as it took its toll on her body.  Being amped up on adrenaline has become her new norm and being able to physically relax feels impossible as of late.  Now that she’s beginning to pay more attention to her body she frequently finds herself unconsciously holding her breath when she’s on edge.  She can sense that her body is responding to her emotional stressors.

Things between her and her partner are intense.  Recently she’s been getting stress headaches from ruminating over the many ways in which she thought she was letting her partner down.  It’s hard to endure the vulnerability she feels when they’re physically intimate, so lately she’s been pulling further and further away from him. That only seems to magnify their problems, though, and the couple seems to be arguing more frequently, making it hard to relax when she comes home at the end of the day.

This isn’t the first time Holly’s stress level had been high for an extended period.  She actually went through something a lot worse when she was younger but she really prefers not to think about those days anymore.  As hard as those times were, it was a long time ago and she thinks some skeletons are best left alone in her closet.  Besides, sometimes she feels dizzy and overwhelmed if she reflects back onto old times for too long. So she copes by pushing the most disturbing events in her life out of her mind entirely.  Yet lately, with her stress escalating, it’s becoming harder to avoid those painful memories for some reason.

Regardless of the cause, stress from all sources has a cumulative effect in one’s life.  Work problems, relationship issues, economic events, health concerns - they all add to the same metaphorical pile of stress.  The mind-body connection is so strong that stress begins to change the physiology of an individual.  Ongoing or long-term stressors are particularly problematic in the way that they wear an individual down over time and engrain negative patterns in the body, mind and nervous system.

People who’ve endured high levels of distress earlier in life, especially during the developmental years of childhood, are often predisposed to feeling emotionally and physically unwell during stressful periods later in life.  One of the reasons for this predisposition is the existence of well worn neurological pathways that were used previously to experience distress and anxiety on a frequent basis.  The mind and body has so much practice feeling these negative ways that being on edge becomes one’s default setting again later in life as the nervous system accesses the pathways it has utilized the most - those associated with feeling stressed.  Meanwhile, the neural pathways that help an individual access a sense of being calm and centered may be underutilized, atrophied if you will, and may be difficult to access at times.

Those who have endured numerous disturbing experiences, regardless of how long ago they occurred, are also be predisposed to stress, anxiety and depression.  This is because life’s most intense events often leave a residual effect in the nervous system.  Unprocessed data often lies dormant in the mind and body for years and years, interfering with an individual’s ability to function optimally.

Individuals facing major stressors should be relieved to know that all therapists have experience helping their clients reduce stress.  However, not all forms of therapy are equally effective.  Many therapists offer only traditional talk therapy which focuses effectively on thoughts but fails to address the physical symptoms and physiological changes clients frequently endure. 

A large and growing body of research on the effectiveness of different forms of therapy shows that holistic therapies that address the mind-body connection, such as a well-researched form of therapy called EMDR, are more effective and often more efficient than talk therapies.  That’s because clients experience greater amounts of relief when they not only get to gain insight into their problems but when they also get to practice physically feeling relaxed and gain natural tools to use to lower their stress level anytime.  These body-centered therapies effectively help clients change their default settings in daily life from feeling stressed out to feeling grounded and centered.

Written by Elaine Avrus and Angela Sasseville, MA, LPC, NCC

You can feel the tension in the Thompson family lately.  They recently moved into a new house where the monthly payments were more affordable.  Both parents are trying to tackle the demands of their current jobs.  Plus, it feels like the kids are acting out even more lately.  Both parents are at their wits end trying to balance parenting, their own relationship and keeping up with the day to day tasks of family life.  To top it all off, Jimmy’s teachers have been sending home notes about the increased behavioral problems they are seeing. 

Considering both parents have different ways of handling the issues that arise with the kids, sometimes it gets confusing as to which parenting style works best.  Mom tends to be a more permissive and believes the best way to communicate with her kids is to let them express their feelings and emotions. She pretty much just lets them “ride out” their negative emotions.  She understands that there has been a lot of change lately, so it makes sense that the kids need to vent.  She really tries hard not to hurt their feelings.  So, she just lets them express themselves and offers them comfort by letting them know she loves them. After all, unconditional love is one of the greatest gifts that a parent can offer a child.

Just the other day three-year-old Lisa was having a rough morning.  She didn’t want to get into her car seat and stood outside the car crying.  Mom didn’t want to be “mean” and force her into her car seat, since it was obvious that Lisa was visibly upset.  So Mom decided to wait her out and let her just “work through her own emotions.” After about twenty minutes, Lisa climbed into the car seat and the family was finally on their way. Unfortunately, Mom ended up being late for work and once again it felt like her child was dictating how the day goes.

Mom’s style of parenting is known as “laissez-faire parenting” and is quite common. The laissez-faire parent often tries to openly accept all types of emotions from the child, positive or negative.  Their motives are good as they intend to validate their child’s feelings.  This parent is often permissive in nature, though.  Many of these parents had an authoritarian parent when they were a child and are clear they do not wish to repeat the same mistake.  As a result, many laissez-faire parents struggle with setting and maintaining boundaries out of fear that they will be too controlling or out of concern that they will somehow limit their child’s spirit if they implement consequences.    

The laissez-faire parent endeavors to honor their child’s emotions.  However, all children experience big emotions and all children need to learn how to regulate or manage their feelings.  This is why it’s so valuable for parents to teach the difference between appropriate and inappropriate ways of expressing their feelings.  The child of a laissez-faire parent may struggle to get along with other children and is much more likely to have temper tantrums, since they may not have been taught through boundaries or age-appropriate consequences that such behavior is unacceptable.   In fact, little Lisa is learning through experience that displaying emotions in loud ways will allow her to get her way with Mom.  Unfortunately, melting down beside the car for 20 minutes feels overwhelming to both of them.  What Lisa’s really craving is more structure and guidance from Mom to help her handle big emotions when they arise, without becoming overwhelmed by them.  When parents set limits the child’s need to test boundaries decreases and the child’s stress level goes down as well.

Dad was incensed when he found out that Lisa made Mom late for work again.  He snapped at his wife for being a “pushover.”  His wife, on the other hand, feels he’s much too “harsh” and “impatient” with Lisa and Jimmy.  She’s glad that she was the one who was around to handle Lisa’s morning tantrum, sparing her daughter from her husband’s reaction.

When two parents disagree about how to discipline, it not only creates marital discord, it’s also confusing to the children. The unsettledness that marital discord can have on the family increases the likelihood that children are going to act out more… and the more children act out there is a higher likelihood of marital discord. The family can easily get stuck in this tiring cycle.

Stay tuned next time to learn more about Dad’s discipline approach and the other parenting styles.

The Tragic Absence of a Loved One

Written by licensed psychotherapist Angela Sasseville, MA, LPC, NCC

Sitting in my backyard this morning, coffee mug in hand, a delicious quietness surrounds me as my children are still in bed.  The neighborhood is still and I can hear a plethora of different birds’ songs coming from trees in every direction.  It’s so early that the July air is still crisp and cool.  Spending some contemplative time here I am full of love, peace and gratitude.  These blissful feelings come as a surprise to me, though, given the occasion. 

Today is my little brother’s birthday.  This particular day on the calendar has been associated with celebration ever since my brother arrived when I was just two years old.  Then 26 years later we lost my brother, Jake, to cancer.  His birthday then became a reminder of the quiet but overwhelming emptiness in my life, the physical felt sense that someone vitally important to my existence is missing.

Since my brother’s passing I have worked my way through the days on the calendar that remind me of him several times:  The day he passed, the day he was diagnosed, Christmas, his little girl’s birthday, and so on.  At first each occasion without him triggered intense emotions, lots of self-questioning, and haunting scenes that played out in my mind repeatedly.  In the most accurate clinical definition of the word, I had been traumatized by Jake’s death and the medical events leading up to it.  There were images and events that I tried to avoid entirely because they were so intensely overwhelming that I felt physically ill when they came up.  Meanwhile, my nervous system worked overtime and I felt panicky, cross, and out of sorts.

Then came the days spent in sheer sorrow, sobbing over how much his absence hurt. I sought out my own spiritual and existential answers as to why we would all have to endure so much pain.  The way I viewed the world changed and what I considered to be the meaning of life changed as well.  The loss of one loved one is powerful enough to cause the tectonic plates of beliefs beneath our conscious awareness to shift.

Sitting here in my yard in peace this morning, the feeling of contentment comes as a welcomed surprise from the tortuous earlier chapters of my grief.  It took time to get to this place of peaceful acceptance.  I made conscious efforts to reduce my pain, seeking out traditional talk therapy at first and then receiving a more holistic form of therapy, called EMDR, to eliminate the haunting images, physical distress and negative beliefs still left in my body and mind. 

Although I still miss Jake and continue to notice his absence from certain nooks and crannies of my life, it feels good to have allowed my grief to run its course and to have healed the most painful aspects of my loss.  Now, during these quiet and reflective morning moments, all I have left when I think of my brother are a flood of memories of the good times and all of the feelings of love that come up with them.

Written by psychotherapists Elaine Avrus and Angela Sasseville, LPC, NCC

It feels like every time there is a change in the lives of the Jones family, things get a little rocky. It’s as if some of the family members are pulling away from each other, while others are trying so hard to bring the family closer together. The parents begin to ponder, “What is it about transitions and changes that disrupt the groove of our family so intensely? We work so hard to keep things flowing, yet here we are again stuck in the same kind of pattern.”

They begin to think back to the first time the groove was disrupted and recalled how their youngest son had trouble sleeping at night. They remembered feeling confused about how to handle this change. One parent was adamant about being more strict and laying down some consequences for not going to bed.  This definitely caused some arguments, since the other parent insisted on just letting him sleep in their room, like he wanted, since it was easier than listening to him cry.

The differences in how each family member handled these transitions definitely didn’t stop there. They noticed that every time one of them had to leave for another business trip, one of the twins would get more withdrawn. The other started acting out. What was it about one of them leaving, even for a short period of time that caused such disruption in the family? What was it one of their kids would pull away while the other became needier?  And why did these parenting challenges triggered such intense reactions in both parents, albeit in different ways? It sure would be nice to find a way to manage these events without so much drama.

The Jones family can sense that there is something underlying these struggles but can’t quite figure out what it is.  It always seems to create arguments for the couple and creates stress in the parent-child relationships. Sometimes it feels like no one in the family is on the same page!

What the Jones family is missing is that they all have different ways of attaching with each other, and when that attachment is disrupted by life events or emotional stressors it can trigger a variety of reactions. Oftentimes, the members of any single household have different ways of being in relationship with one another, different attachment styles.  This makes it remarkably challenging to meet everyone’s needs all at the same time.  Therapy provides a secure environment to help you and your family decode each person’s core needs.

Flourish Counseling articles are based on common and prevalent dynamics and are never about any one in particular.

It’s hard to express in words how downtrodden many husbands and fathers feel when their family endures financial setbacks.  As Father’s Day roles around in this down economy, the man in your household may be successfully enduring more than you give him credit for.  So here are a few insights to acknowledge and commend men on the challenges they face when times are tight.  Men often struggle to navigate their way through the terrain of financial stress and gender roles make the path even more challenging for them.  Many men find their problems so overwhelming that they try to avoid the issue of money altogether.  And where there is financial stress, there is often marital stress compounding the situation.

Men often do not know how to express themselves well verbally or to display a broad range of emotions.  Gender roles of what it means to “act like a man” do men a tremendous disservice during troubled times.  Men are told they should be “strong”, which implies that they shouldn’t show vulnerability, weakness, or softer feelings.  These societal messages create a dilemma when a man is experiencing intense emotions.  Being angry, frustrated or irritable are often the only socially acceptable ways for men to behave.

Subsequently, wives frequently underestimate the level of discouragement their husbands experience when money is tight.  Some men feel as though they’re carrying the weight of the entire world on their shoulders.  Others feel like a complete failure.  Still other men feel as though no matter how hard they work, it’s just never enough.

Society also says men are supposed to be successful providers above and beyond anything else they accomplish in their lives.  When forces beyond their control (like recession and unemployment) bring about financial crises, it’s common for a father to take the situation personally and feel as though he is the failure. During these moments of discouragement men fail to recognize their successes, such as the incredible ways they enrich the lives of their children, their contributions to their community and the meaningful relationships in their lives.

A lot of men go through their financial stress feeling alone.  They don’t feel it’s acceptable to talk about their personal problems with their friends in the intimate ways that women discuss issues with one another.  This lack of frank and open dialogue can leave a man without the support he could use and unaware that many of his friends have gone through something similar.

Because a man’s self-identity as a good provider is called into question and circumstances seem overwhelming, men often try to avoid the financial issues at hand.  Their attempts to avoid, escape or ignore what they feel incapable of fixing is a well documented point of contention in their marriages since their wives are often desperate for their involvement and participation in finding solutions.

Angela Sasseville’s self-help book for couples and parents, Families Under Financial Stress, is due to be published later this year.  Her articles are based on common and prevalent dynamics and are never about any one in particular. 

Join the Flourish Counseling therapists for 2 free presentations presented in conjunction with the Rocky Mountain Cancer Center at Rose:

Life With Cancer: A Kid’s Eye View     Wednesday, June 16th from 6:00-7:30pm

Gain tools for communicating with your children & teens while helping them cope with your diagnosis.

Life With Cancer: Parenting Through Treatment      Wednesday, June 23rd from 6:00-7:30pm

Learn how to take care of yourself and your family, get tips from other parents & share your own experience.

Both events are free and will take place at 4700 E. Hale Parkway, Suite 400, Denver, CO 80220. 

Advanced registration is required by contacting the Rocky Mountain Cancer Centers at 303-370-7902.

By Elaine Avrus, Psychotherapist in the Pay It Forward program

It felt like their relationship had been on one of its “good waves.” She couldn’t believe that one little thing caused them to feel so disconnected.  Everything had been running smoothly in their relationship. They had been enjoying each other’s company and had even found time lately to cook a couple dinners together, take the dogs on a hike and enjoy a movie night.

 Despite the fact that he had been feeling frustrated and overwhelmed at work recently, she was really trying to be supportive. She knows how hard he works and sometimes his job is more stressful than hers, but she doesn’t understand how one comment can completely change the tone of the conversation. One minute he’s talking about feeling overworked and then the next minute it felt like he just shut down. She was scrambling to “get back in” and not feel alone in the conversation.  All she did was comment on how he “worked too much” and pointed out that they “had been on such a good wave lately.”  “Don’t let work ruin it for us,” she pleaded.

 Immediately after her comments, she felt like she was on the couch alone, even though he was sitting right next to her. The more she kept trying “to get through to him” and reconnect, the farther away he went. The argument went around and around, bringing up old issues.  Just like that, the two of them entered into another argument that led nowhere.  Once again, their relationship was stuck in “the bad wave.”

What they didn’t realize was that this pattern was not unique to just their relationship. This was the same stuff that used to get her so frustrated in her past relationships too. She would think to herself, “Why are men so distant even though I keep trying to get closer? Why do I still feel like I am alone when I am in a relationship?”

He is left thinking, “Why is it that no matter who I am with, I never seem to get the credit that I deserve?! Why do I always end up with someone who tells me what to do? I thought things were going well, but something about her tone of voice just set me off.” He is left feeling that no matter how much he gives, it is never enough for her.

They really want things to be different this time. They want their relationship to last. They want to spend more time in the “good wave” and not feel like they are just passing time until the “bad wave” comes around again…but how do they do that? It feels like they have already tried so many things that have failed.

These types of arguments and thought patterns constantly leave couples feeling distant from each other. What they don’t realize is that underneath it all is an emotional need that is not being met.  No matter how much they love each other and try over and over to break this pattern, somehow they keep coming back to the same cycle that often leaves one partner feeling unloved and the other partner feeling like a failure.  

Therapy can be a place to discover the emotional needs and longings that are hiding under the surface of arguments.  A therapist can slow down the process and help partners not only recognize the triggers that can cause an argument “out of nowhere.”  It can also help couples feel close to one another and successful in their relationship.  Reconnect with your partner on a different level and allow therapy to help you break that cycle that leads to nowhere.

Elaine’s blogs highlight common and prevalent issues and are never about anyone in particular.  Click on the Pay it Forward program for more information on the therapeutic support that she provides.

Written by Licensed Psychotherapist Angela Sasseville, MA, LPC, NCC

If you listen in on the conversations of a group of mothers of young children you’re likely to overhear a few universal comments:  Someone will be asking the other women for advice and recommendations on a challenging issue that has arisen with her child.  She’s searching for the best solution but is not yet sure how to handle the issue.  Another mom will undoubtedly share a story about a trying experience that occurred in her home.  She may perhaps make the ever-common mom joke, “I’m sure my child is going to be scarred for life now!”  Another mother will leap out of the group suddenly and rush to her preschooler’s side, haulting his participation in an unsafe and unapproved activity in the next room.

There is often a sense of community, understanding and commonality in these gatherings.  Yet undercurrents of stress, worry and maternal guilt are often present.  These women are, after all, in the throes of raising small children and it is not a job for the faint of heart.  Adding to the pressure they experience is the awareness of how vital their role is to their offspring and each mother’s admirable determination to provide their child with the best childhood possible within her means.  Chances are they take their roles as mothers more seriously than any other title they will ever bear in their lifetime.  So these women willingly place their own choices and behaviors under a microscope in order to determine where they need to make improvements in their own job performance.  The responsibilities of their role are ever-evolving, and so are their parenting skills.

In the process of childrearing some women find they can be incredibly hard on themselves.  A woman who has always been “a worrier” may find her anxiety has a heyday expanding its terrain as she can now endlessly fret over her young child.  Other moms who are aware of their own negative childhood experiences may find themselves riddled with self-doubt as a parent.  Knowing the role models that they had as a kid were significantly flawed, they are searching for a more sound set of parenting blueprints to guide them as they raise their own children. 

Still other moms struggle under the weight of unresolved traumas that they experienced in years past.  Unhealed traumas live in the body, mind and nervous system and can cause a mother to have negative thoughts about herself that are remarkably distorted.  For example, she may feel guilty as she believes “I’m a bad mom for going to work,” when her child is actually quite happy in childcare and the family needs the mother’s income.  Another mom may live in a hypervigilant state as she has the recurring thought, “My child is in danger,” when in fact they aren’t.  Traumas of an abusive, neglectful or sexual nature are often triggered when a mother witnesses her child reach the age at which she herself was victimized.  These unresolved wounds can cause motherhood to become a white-knuckled and guilt-laden experience until they are resolved therapeutically.

Confidence, peace of mind and fantastic mother-child interactions are obtainable for any mother. But they aren’t always delivered to us automatically upon the baby’s arrival.  For some of us moms, they require that we consciously and relentlessly chase after them.  Yet the reward of becoming a calm and blissful mother is well worth the effort.

Angela’s blogs highlight common and prevalent issues and are never written about anyone in particular.

Written by Licensed Psychotherapist Angela Sasseville, MA, LPC, NCC

He wasn’t sure how long it had been going on but he felt as though his wife was drifting further and further away from him.  Many of their interactions now seemed cordial and perfectly uneventful.  But what had happened to the chemistry?  And when had she stopped becoming enthused about spending time with him?  She seemed so indifferent about his presence now.

He could recall a time, back before the kids were born, when he felt closer to her.  Life was lighter then, easier.  Connecting with her was fun.  He missed that light-hearted sense of being in sync with one another, of being happy to see one another at the end of the day.

Their sex life had become quiet and dull these days as well.  He had waited patiently when their physical intimacy decreased for months when each of the kids was born.  Inside his mind he fumed, but she isn’t pregnant now so why did she think a marriage without sex was acceptable?  It was becoming increasingly frustrating to try to resolve the issue.  The tension in their bedroom had been going on for so long that a nonphysical relationship had become their new norm.

There were moments in which he secretly wondered if she was having an affair.  At least that would explain why her focus was always on something else, he thought.  She assured him she simply had a lot of work to do that pulled her away from home.  He didn’t know what to believe.  Yet the longer their disconnection from one another continued, the more peripheral he felt in her life, and the more fragile the marriage felt to him.

He dreaded bringing this stuff up to her.  He was no relationship expert and sometimes he struggled to find a way to spit out what was bothering him.  Other times he just felt pissed when she ignored him!  But he knew that this wasn’t a way that anybody would want to spend the next 40 years of their lives together.

Little did he realize that every partner has undeniable and legitimate emotional needs that only their spouse can meet.  In other words, he wasn’t being “whiny”, as she had once accused him of being.  He was ready for their relationship to evolve and become stronger, more connected.

Reconnecting with your partner can be difficult and complex.  Why stumble through it alone when you can enlist the help of a relationship expert who knows the terrain and can guide you towards the destination that you both want?

Written by Pay It Forward Psychotherapist Elaine Avrus

After years of hiding behind identities that do not feel right, people develop a need to be honest and open about who they are. The experiences leading up to this point have been challenging enough that even with support from those close to them, the challenges ahead can still seem frightening and overwhelming.

The process of “coming out” is usually used to describe people opening up to the world, and to themselves, about their sexual identity.  However, “coming out” occurs on different levels and in other situations, as well.  For example, some people experience a similar process when they identify themselves as having different religious beliefs or political values than those that their parents hold.  It’s about coming out of hiding and standing for who they are, who they were made to be and what they believe in.  They are trying desperately to love themselves and the person they are becoming. Yet questions and fearful thoughts arise, How are people going to perceive me?  What if my beliefs are different than everyone close to me?  What if my family rejects me?  I will be all alone.  I am all alone.

The coming out process can often leave people ostracized from their families, parents and people they thought were their friends. Even though some people embrace differences with open arms, others may have fears, biases, and opinions can leave people feeling rejected, hurt and alone.  Coming out to the world can be hard enough, but coming out to one’s family can sometimes prove to be the most challenging and heartbreaking. Some people lose the relationships they have had with their family of origin entirely.

Yet, along this journey, people also discover a new life and a new “family.”  This family is the one that they have chosen because they belong in it. They fit in it and it feels like home. It is compiled of others they have met along the way that love and accept them. They laugh with them, do not judge them, encourage them and help them grow. There is a new sense of belonging.  They can feel safe, loved, accepted, connected and understood within their new family.  However, finding and identifying a new family may not be an easy process for some, especially when they’re still in the process of learning to love themselves.

The coming out process marks the beginning of a whole new journey.  There are so many new paths to walk along, to run on, to skip and dance to. Taking these new paths can often lead to new discoveries about oneself, about others and about one’s family. Within this journey, there are also losses that have to be endured along the way.  Some may be easier to move past than others, and some remain etched in their minds and hearts.

Therapy can provide a place to heal these wounds.  It provides time and space to grieve the losses the rest of society may not recognize.  It provides support during the process of discovering one’s new family, affirms people for who they are and empowers them to feel stronger.