The Symptoms of Codependency, Conclusion:

Not all codependents have all of the above symptoms.

The question is how did we get this way?  Prolonged exposure to oppression is the key here. After all, oppression damages our self-esteem.  As Earnie Larson states in his books and lectures: “What we live with we learn; what we learn we practice; what we practice becomes habit; our habits have consequences.”

All of these behaviors are “learned.” They can be unlearned.

Everything boils down to this: We have little self worth; our happiness is found outside of ourselves.  We, the codependent, must DO something to initiate healing. It won’t come from outside. It just doesn’t happen. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Codependent behaviors can be stopped. Therapists, books, support groups, and constant and careful self-monitoring will help. In the end, healing from codependency is ultimately up to the individual…The first and most important thing for a codependent to learn is that happiness is inside of us, not something outside.

As adapted from the Wellness Directory of Minnesota

The Symptoms of Codependency, Continued:

5)Controlling Behaviors: Codependents try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination. They are afraid to let people be who they are or let events happen naturally. They’ve lived in so many situations in which they had no control (abuse, alcoholism, etc) that they now try to control everything and get frustrated and angry when they cannot.

They end up feeling controlled by events. They feel controlled by others. They resist change as if change were a contagion.

6)Denial: Codependents ignore problems or pretend they do not exist. They pretend things are not as bad as they are; they tell themselves it will get better; they stay busy to avoid thinking about things; they get confused, sick, depressed and visit doctors for a prescription. Many are workaholics. They lie to themselves and others. They believe their lies.

As adapted from the Wellness Directory of Minnesota

3)Repression: Most codependents repress their own needs, their own desires. They are afraid to let themselves be who they are and often appear rigid and controlled. They are often full of guilt.

4)Compulsivity: Codependents worry: they worry that people are talking about them; they worry that people are not talking about them; they lose sleep over little things; they check up on others; they try to catch people in the act; they never find any answers, they focus on other’s problems.

They spend money compulsively; may eat or drink compulsively; and wonder why they have no energy and why they never get anything done.

Substance Use Codependent behavior is frequently found in households where substance use is a significant issue.

As adapted from the Wellness Directory of Minnesota

2)Low Self Worth: Codependent individuals tend to come from troubled, dysfunctional families… They blame themselves for their family’s shortcomings. They blame themselves for everything.

They pick on themselves constantly: not intelligent enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not athletic enough, not good enough… Don’t try to give a codependent a compliment; they reject all compliments and praise, even though they get depressed from lack of compliments and praise.

They feel “different” from the rest of the world. They reject themselves, but fear rejection. Everything is taken personally. They have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, abandonment, neglect, and/or alcoholism. They feel like victims, carry lots of guilt and shame.

As adapted from the Wellness Directory of Minnesota

1)Care taking: The codependent individual feels responsible for other people. They feels anxious and even guilty when another has a problem. They feels compelled to help that person solve their problem. They anticipate the other’s needs and feels angry when his help is not effective or rebuffed.

At the same time, the codependent feels slighted that others won’t help her/him out when they need help. However, this same individual who is constantly doing way too much for others, and not getting “any” help from anyone, will usually answer when asked what is wrong or what do you need, responds, “Oh, nothing.” The codependent minimizes his/her own worth.

The codependent is over committed, harried, pressured, feels safe when giving, but insecure when someone gives to him/her, goes out of her/his way to help others, and believes deep inside that other people are responsible for the way they are and will blame others for the “spot” they are in. Others make them feel the way they feel, they are victimized, angry, unappreciated, and used.

As adapted from the Wellness Directory of Minnesota

Continued

You can run me for profit, or you can run me for ruin.

Show me how you ant it done.  Educate me.  Train me.  Lead me.  Reward me.

And I will then …do it automatically.

I am your servant.

Who am I?

I am habit.

Excerpted from Habits Die Hard by Mac Anderson & John J. Murphy

Continued

Half the things you do might just as well be turned over to me.

For I can do them quicky, correctly, and profitably.

I am easily managed, just be firm with me.

Those who are failures, I have made failures.

I am not a machine, though I work with the precision of a machine and the intelligence of a person.

to be continued

I am your constant companion.

I am your greatest asset or heaviest burden.

I will push you up to success or down to disappointment.

I am at your command.

To be continued

Continued

So here the woman stands, well over 30 now and respected in many professional circles.  For the most part, she likes her life.  But what she wouldn’t dream of sharing with her colleagues or the people here at the dinner party is that she’s still incapable of feeling genuinely confident and genuinely likeable in her personal life.    And she longs to quiet her mind of the constant chatter of self-doubt, even if only for one night.  So for now she reaches for another glass of wine.

Psychotherapist Nancy McElheny, LPC works one on one with women working to feel more confident in their own skin and more clear about their life’s direction. Click here to learn more.

Continued

Come to think of it, that nagging voice of self-doubt pipes up in almost all of her relationships.  It causes her to feel as though she has to work extra hard and say just the right things to come across as likeable.  With the exception of a couple close confidants, her personal relationships feel laborious and uncertain at times.  She’s had some success in advocating for what she needs with her current partner but she’s still afraid to speak the whole truth.  Tolerating the sense of vulnerability that comes with being so forthright about her feelings feels impossible and causes her anxiety.  There are uncomfortable moments in which she wishes she could magically escape her personal life by slipping back into her work.

Her career has always been a large piece of her self-identity.  Being at work feels like being inside a comfort zone.  She knows she’s adept at what she does so she moves about her workday exuding a higher level of confidence than she does in her personal life.  Yes, there are times when she second guesses herself at work too, but these doubts seem to pass more quickly.  She has always had her intelligence and work ethic to rely on.  Even as a child, school was her thing, her place to show what she was capable of.  And when things at home weren’t very nurturing or predictable, applying herself at school was a constant in her life.  The logical realm of her work has always made more sense to her than the emotional complexities of friends and lovers.

To be continued